I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
