i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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