I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We need to rekindle our bromance
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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