You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
