Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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