her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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