so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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