i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
