I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
