I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
