god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
