If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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