Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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