i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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