Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
