i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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