It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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