Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
