sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Do you have feelings for this penis?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
