Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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