he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
