Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
