Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize