I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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