Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
