Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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