dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
