What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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