Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
