Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
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Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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