a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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