i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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