No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
