I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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