you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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