I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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