Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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