i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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