I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
