yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
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