____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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