Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what day is it and did you see me today?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
