just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
