my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
