She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
