i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
