Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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