Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
