The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
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He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.