FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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