so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
