I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
