So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
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found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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