Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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