I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
