If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
